Chocosseur

Dear Nurse,

I am grateful for you. When the first thing out of your mouth on my first day of a rotation is "We like Chocolate" I laugh. You know how to bring a smile to my face on day one. See, you aren't unique. You are a pattern that is as predictable as a Hollywood marriage. When you say that statement, I know the following truths to be true:

1. When you saw WE you really mean YOU like chocolate

2a. Whenever I see you after day 1 you will say "Hey, where is the Chocolate?"
2b. You will most likely add in some threat, wielding your pseudo-power on my grade. Like you can make or break my evaluation.

3. When the pattern is clear that I will not be bringing you anything, you will make a snide remark about my intelligence and how I don't "get it."

See, I understand. Med students also happen to be quite predictable. This kind of crap may have worked for the other students walking through the door, you know, the merit you think you gain by demanding chocolate from the student on the first day. You have been able to convince students that bringing you chocolate is going to somehow make us better physicians and perhaps even get us a better grade which could ultimately get us into the residency we always wanted. So if the poor souls who end up not matching to a residency had only brought chocolate to the demanding nurse, they would have matched? Spread the word! Well, I am kind in some ways. I want to help you out. Here are some truths from my view:

1. Just because you like something doesn't mean saying it out loud will get you anywhere. This isn't facebook, I don't care if you like this photo, this comment, my location, who I am hanging out with, that I just got done at the dentist, that it's time for GTL, and I definitely don't care if you like chocolate.

2. The best way to get something at the end of a student's rotation is to be nice. Introduce yourself to me. Help me navigate the new work environment. Let me in on the unknown rules (Dr. X likes students to do Y or Never do this in front of Dr. X, he hates it). Always have my back. If I am doing something wrong, correct me quietly. If I should be doing something, correct me quietly. If I keep coming to you with questions or asking for help, it isn't because I am stupid, it is because I trust that you have my back and are watching out for me. And most importantly, it is probably because you are always sweet to me. You may know where object A gets placed because you have worked here 10 years, but I understand that if I put object A in the wrong place, it will make your job harder, so I ask, not out of stupidity, but out of respect. That respect should be mutual. By demanding something day one, you automatically lose that respect. Some respect is earned and some comes with the territory, but that territorial respect is easily lost.

3. Saying that I don't "get it" makes me laugh. It doesn't scare me because I know it is coming. When that comment comes...out loud...in a room full of people, the dialogue always goes something like this:

You: "Where is my chocolate? You must not get how things work around here. You don't get it, do you?"
Me: "Oh, no. I get it. Loud and clear. You like chocolate and you want me to bring you some."
You: "The last student got it. He brought me chocolate."
Me: "Must have been a third-year. They typically fall for the 'get me chocolate or get an F' gag."

I created a nice flow sheet for you below. Feel free to use it as a tool to help you discern which route to take. Glad we could have this talk. Good luck.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You Part II

Back again. Sorry for the delay in posts, but I have been too busy hazing the first-years. You know, telling them that all the test questions are from the assigned readings (500+ pages a week) or telling them the library and study halls are for second-year students only. Got to get them freaking out. In all seriousness though, the only hazing going on is the selling of those books WE were foolish enough to buy but never use to this year's incoming class. "Come on, I have reduced the prices on these babies 20%, but disregard the lack of creases in the spine, you NEED this book to survive." This year's incoming class is far worse than mine. I am glad I didn't defer my acceptance a year because this class would have tickled my area postrema more than my class. People were studying BEFORE classes began. Seriously. But to make this short, I have a couple more nuggets for you.

3) Do not have relations with med school classmates. Friendship is fine, but in a world where Paul Revere rides a horse called Texting, you can start one class pure as snow, and by the first break you are on the verge of prostitution. And gentleman, do not be "that guy" who goes after all the first-year females. Just because your own class knows what a tool you are doesn't mean you can fool the first-years for more than a week. Trust me, keep your sexuality outside your medical school. And off craigslist for that matter.

4) Do not go to class. I learned this the hard way. Think about it. Why sit in class hearing something for the first time when you can go over the info twice as fast, picking out concepts you don't understand and have the time to go over those concepts? Plus, when you can then go listen to the lectures at twice the speed, what's there to lose? Seriously, you don't know how much time is wasted with jokes, pauses, and side-stories. I don't pay teachers to tell me where her 4 year old thinks his liver is. The key to med school from the start is time management. Your time is so valuable because of the deluge of information, that to spend too much time on one idea or concept is academic suicide.


5) You have a right to express discontent. Don't let the administration keep you down. Damn the man! No, seriously, don't be afraid to tell someone how upset you are by certain things. You have a right to having power points posted online in the right format, recordings to be done, teachers to be clear about what to expect, etc. You are paying a pretty penny for the education and yes, I believe the school should cater to everyone as best as possible. This is a little different for a state school where uncle sam helps out a bit, but either way, you are paying money for a service, if it isn't what you want, speak up.

6) Some Many of your fellow classmates are socially awkward. I don't mean like middle school dance awkward, you know, guys in one corner and girls in the other. I mean like don't-know-when-to-keep-their-thoughts-to-themselves awkward. For instance they don't have the internal gauge to tell them that what they are thinking in their head isn't something they should tell other people. What sounds like common sense, or constructive criticism to them comes out like smugness or elitist to others. It also seems a lot like they will say something just to one up you. Whether they mean it to be like that, it doesn't matter because they will not be able to know any different. If they start sentences with "I would", drop any sharp objects because you will want to harm them. They are about to tell you how they would do it better than you, but hide it behind critique. Remember, you didn't ask for their feedback. I think that is where it crosses the line. You didn't ask them, yet they will open their mouth anyways. I once had someone "critique" my patient interview by saying "you were blocking the door, I know for me, I don't like when people block my exit." For one, there were two doors to the room so technically I wasn't blocking the exit, Dragnet and besides, not everyone is suffering from PTSD and thinks his doctor is armed and dangerous. Regardless of his lack of observation, he felt it was necessary to open his mouth.

BONUS: Do not call first years "fresh meat". This isn't Dazed and Confused buddy so put down the paddle. There will be no initiation. Ever.

Don't Say I Didn't Warn You Part 1

Alright, so it appears I am 1/4 doctor. Yep, passed all my tests, jumped through all my hoops and didn't kill anyone in the process. I may be able to tell you where the ductus arteriosus is (heart), what the muscles of the rotator cuff are (Supraspinatous, Infraspinatous, Teres Minor and Subscapularis), where the deep tendon reflex for L4 is (patellar tendon), what bug is gram +, coag +, cat + (Staph Aureus) and about 926 mnemonics and acronyms. (Real Texans Drink Cold Beer, Cadavers Are Dead People, MONA, MUDPILES) blah blah blah, but somehow I feel like I know nothing. In fact, if there is anything I do know its that I know nothing. I have such little medical knowledge that I am still insignificant, but I know enough to make me dangerous. Not 007 dangerous but SAW III dangerous.

Having said that, I am here to quell all your fears. Well, any of you who are wondering what to do and what not to do during your first year, or if you are beyond that and want to compare your experiences. I am here to let you know some rules to live by. These are influenced by my experiences, observations, and/or swift judgment. I am no way trying to insult anyone so don't get it twisted. I am guilty of many of these things myself and I am way cooler and better than everyone else not perfect. I am going to stretch this list into a few weeks, so deal with it.

1) Do not listen to people on your interviews, they are lying to you. Remember, they want you to go there as much as you want to be there. If no one was impressed, they wouldn't fill seats, and would be out of a job. Make sure you understand that no school is perfect. After studying for the MCAT, filling out applications and getting interviewed, an acceptance can make you put the blinders on in such a way that you overlook some important details such as how they test, how they teach, and what is expected of you. A lot of it, unfortunately, you will find out once you are there. Just be ready for it. Because your interview was perfect and the campus has a Starbucks in it and you hooked up with a second-year during your interview does not mean that it is the perfect school for you. Make a list of what is important to you (board scores, location, rotation locations, board prep, not getting herpes from that second-year, whatever, etc.) and make your decision off that. This is, of course, assuming you are fortunate enough to have multiple options to choose from. If you don't, take whatever you can get and go for it (except the herpes).

2) Wait to buy books until you absolutely need them. Right now I am looking at a shelf full of books. I can pick out 5 that I have actually used more than once. If I could do it over again I would pick maybe 3 of them to buy. Your school pays teachers to teach you information. They should give you enough in their lectures to do well on tests. It is impossible to read the "assigned reading" for four classes each day and still study without being up all night. Your library should have the books on reserve so use them from the library if you need them. Plus wikipedia is free so use it. Don't be the one who is so excited for school that they buy all the books. Waste of money. Do not show up to orientation week with all the books purchased you little eager-beaver. Pay down your interest, or better yet use it for something fun on the weekends to keep yourself sane.
2b) Don't buy your books from the campus book store. What a joke. eBay, half.com, amazon, 2nd years, etc. have books for a fraction of the cost of your campus book store. It's just another way to suck up your living expenses. Again, use the money for something fun. If you say "but reading med school books is fun" I want to punch you in the face.

Bonus: Unless you like finding flesh and melted human fat all over your stuff, do not bring your anatomy books into the lab. Let someone else ruin their book.

MORE TO COME...